Brain Processing

Over the last few months, I’ve started writing 4 or 5 different posts but I’ve not managed to finish any of them (I could give you all the reasons why but the list would be ridiculously long). Normally I block everything in my mind. I put it all in a concrete box and lock it so I don’t have to deal with anything, but there is always something that manages to sneak through and it makes me think. Every time something crops up my head starts spinning and it becomes overloaded with so much thinking that trying to process it all has become near on impossible, let alone trying to get it written down. So here is it, I’m going to spill my mind and my feelings about certain things, or at least try. We will see how I get on.

Breasts: Breast Implant Removal Surgery

On Tuesday 24th July I had my breast implants removed, the first of either two or three operations. I’d been incredibly nervous in the run-up to the operation for a lot of reasons. Having the operation brought up more challenges than I had expected to face, some I hadn’t even thought of, some I had expected but I now realise I wasn’t mentally prepared for and some that I am slowly but surely adjusting to.

Mom’s Cancer: The End

Today, Thursday 26th April, at 17:55 my mother lost her battle with pancreatic cancer after a challenging 9 months.

Mom’s Cancer: Nearing The End

I am writing this while I am sat in a private side room in Countess Mountbatten Hospice. It’s already taken me a few days to get this all down and the weather has gone from cold and not particularly nice, to bright sunshine and blue skies, just as mom likes it. The last few days have been a living hell, that’s the only accurate description I can give.

Mom’s Cancer: I Broke Down

Today was the first time I have cried since just after mom got diagnosed. I feel it is important for me to write this while it all still feels fresh because it wasn’t something sad that triggered me to cry, it was something sadly special.

Mom’s Cancer: Tuesday 3rd & Wednesday 4th April: Days, Maybe A Couple Of Weeks

I hadn’t heard anything from mom all morning so I called the hospital for an update. The nurse didn’t realise what the consequences were by telling me what she did. Emotionally I am numb and I feel like a robot. Nothing has sunk in yet. I know what we have been told and I am having to try and process it in the best and only way that I can.

Mom’s Cancer: I’ve Never Been So Scared

My last post finished with how things ended on Thursday 22nd of March. Mom had been admitted to hospital after her ultrasound. I WISH I could say that things were fine and we brought her home on Friday, but that would be far from what actually happened. In the time since mom has been admitted, I have never felt so scared in all of my life. The last couple of weeks have been the hardest, most emotionally challenging and draining thing I have ever experienced.

Breasts: Just Giving Page

I have been lost with what to do about my breasts and someone suggested to me about setting up a Just Giving page. I have thought about it on a number of occasions but never actually thought seriously about doing it. I messaged Z today and she suggested it to me, so rather than reading my book in bed I have set up my site.

The link is https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/flicsboobs.

When you set up your page you have to write why you are doing it and explain your story. That is one of the hardest things I have had to write. I didn’t want to feel like I was going into too much detail so that someone reading it would get bored, but at the same time, I didn’t want to not give enough detail. Finding that equal balance is very challenging. So this is what I ended up writing:

Mom’s Cancer: CT Scan Results

Before moms appointment, I felt incredibly nervous and anxious about getting her CT scan results. As we walked into the hospital I started feeling sick. Now that we have the results I feel lost, empty, numb, angry, sad and a hell of a lot of other emotions all rolled into one. I don’t want to talk to my friends; all I want to do is hibernate and not have to talk or think about anything.

Wednesday 28th February: We got good news and bad news, and we are left waiting for Mom to make an important decision.

Mom’s Cancer: Ct Scan Result Day

As a family, we have been dreading today for quite a while. When we last saw mom’s oncologist in January we were told that we would have to wait for an up to date CT scan before they could assess the situation and see if or what next steps could be taken.